10 Days To NY

 

NYC

My 10 day countdown to NY actually began a couple of months ago.  I was offered this great job… amazing pay, great benefits, health insurance (which I currently don’t have), and a quarterly bonus.  I’d been unemployed for about a year and a half, and at that moment I felt like I’d gotten through about as much ass kicking from the world as one reasonable person could take.  Well, you can probably guess, the job fell through and I found myself once again on the floor in a heap of something that resembled me, but really wasn’t me.  And in a nutshell, this has been me for the last year and a half – floor, tears, me in a heap.  A couple of weeks went by and as the shock began to wear off, my heart drifted to New York City as it often does throughout the year.  I’ve visited the city 4 times, each one being in the spring.  And this is what I’ve taken from that beautiful city…I must have lived there in a past life because whenever I arrive, I’m home.  I felt it that very first time.  My small feet on the sidewalk (yes, I’ve walked barefoot on the sidewalks), my eyes tracing the buildings above me, and me declaring, “yup, I’m home!”  That was 5 years ago and I just keep going back.  I’ve almost moved there about 100 times.  Why don’t I?…..hmm, because.  Maybe I will one day, but right now I just live where I live.

And now, I’m running away to NY again.  With no job, barely any money in the bank, tons of obligations right here at home, and a short film about to hit the festival circuits.  And I decide to run away to NY for 24 glorious days?!!!?  So, why the hell am I doing this?  What the hell am I thinking?  The answer is still a mystery to me.  I hope to discover it when I arrive, or somewhere in the journey.  I trust the answer will become clear to me.  I trust that my heart was screaming at me to go because it’s exactly where I need to be.  

So, I’ve taken these last 10 days to do two things – fasting and space clearing.  When done in unison, the results can be deeply gratifying.  Fasting, which is done in many cultures and religions all over the world, can be accomplished in many different ways.  I’ve chosen water and a caloric drink (so I can still get the calories my body needs to function)  Gandhi fasted or did “food strikes” while he was in prison to help bring peace to his country…and he succeeded.   On January 30, less than two weeks after breaking his final fast, he was assassinated by a Hindu extremist on his way to an evening prayer meeting.  Gandhi was a believer of non-violence and I too want to believe in non-violence, but the one that’s happening inside me.  I want to stop the violence happening every time I fall the floor in a heap.

Today is my second day of fasting and all I want is pizza, root beer, and warm chocolate chip cookies.  My body is in a constant state of WTF?  I can actually feel it saying to me, “Um, we don’t want to alarm you up there but please shove food in your mouth before we collapse on the floor and the cat eats our face for dinner!!!”

me and my mom arriving in NY last year

As for space clearing, well that’s another story….stay tuned!!!  thanks for reading.

let ;us be

let us be lonely, of course

for the dogs of love and salvation

rarely invite their prey for dinner

let us be dancers once more

atoning the sins of our past

in a kaleidoscope of movement

across the dusty floors of hell

let us be lovers of fools

and invite the dogs of war

into our prayer rooms

with the offering of grace

let us be hosts of darkness

let us invite old enemies

into our rooms again

and bathe them with the light of our hearts

let us will our fibers to sleep

let us strip off the clothing of happenstance

let us stand naked to the tune of forgiveness

let us, oh let us, let us be this

sideways

Sideways you tilt her…shooting backwards

Through space, time, and everything underneath.

With the subtle recurrence of your sweaty brow

Holding her tightly in your trenches

Just out of reach.

Your word wisps lightly on her feathered ears

As if they are the only ones who can hear the quiver of your heart.

Tears of amethyst and diamond fall from her eyes

And you reach for her, only to find a shadow of a hope filled promise

A promise of a heart carried a thousand miles

Battered and torn to shreds from the battles of time.

You look upon this heap of brokenness

That stands gently in front of you

And from the depths of your own brokenness

You whisper to her…

“You’re who I adore”

I will

I will sit with you in your rampage, My Dear

For I shall never leave your side

I will wait for utter calmness

To visit your lips and breath again

And for your eyes to once more

Look upon everything with the fascination of a child

I will stand next to you, My Sweet

In the softest silence you’ve ever felt

With my hand placed upon your breast

Simply waiting for your heart to awaken

The crust around it, need not live on in this moment

The crust around it, keeps me here by your side

Sitting with you, standing by you, loving you

Utterly loving you.

the space

The space, in between the space of nothingness, lives grief…

Sorrow, and doubt, and hopelessness shed their tears today

Tears filled with the forever hope of tomorrow

And the realization that tomorrow

Is an end into nothingness

Loss carries the greatest gift which is grief

An intangible light, a unatainable presence,

And an unending gratitude for the love that lived

Grief brings with it, its heavy blanket

For the thousands of hands that’ve touched this soul

Will wrap themselves around the loves left living

Whispering millions upon millions of “I love yous”

Breathe deeply in this moment, my friend

For these gifts are given out of love, not hate

The light will shine again, and the lives will carry on

But will forever wear the adornment of the love lost

As a reminder for the next time they shall meet

The next time their souls shall remember each other

you stand

you stand so softly on my shoulder

balancing on the slightest tip toe, reaching grace

Fighting the world for a chance

a sweet moment to dance

with words, a hunger you taste

my love, i see the envy in your eyes

glistening with fire and delight

for a world unlived

a world where laughter is as common place

as the dancing breath showering,

“you are loved”

the wise man singeth with joy when your smile

arrives at the celebration

for he carries the eyes and heart of a child

looking upon God’s magical elation

sit closely, my love

shower me with your smile

and i will breathe the words of love

forever for awhile